The first bite

It's True

He's Back

He's Back- The man, The legend. Is he the same as he used to be? Not sure, but he did show up at the shop wearing flip flops.
He calls and talks to his "doctor" every time a task is placed before him. Like "could you pass me that jar of jelly beans that taste like puke?" "Let me call the doctor and I'll get back to you."

But the big question that is sitting on everyones lips. Is Blake still gay? I would have to lean towards yes, but I'm not going to find out for sure. That would definitely reflect poorly upon myself.

When he first told me that he was going to need brain surgery, I thought it might be the end. I'm glad to see he is doing so well, flip flops and all.

The Cup

Everyone makes mistakes, this is a fact, some make more than others, but everyone has their turn. Some mistakes are considered to be more severe than others, generally determined by how much they cost to fix or how many lives they have affected. Of course no one tries to do things wrong, that is why they are called mistakes. Some may think the education of a person leads the amount of mistakes that are made by that person. I don’t think that this is true because I have seen some pretty stupid people that are very educated. I have also seen uneducated people do really cool things. This could lead us into a discussion about what actually makes a person stupid or not but we will leave that for another time. I guess what I am getting at is that even geniuses like us tend to make a few mistakes. So some time ago we came up with a way to pay for the mistakes that are made around the shop. No it is not capital punishment, or banishment, or even demotion, not that these things were not brought up at one time or another, but what we have come up with is a lot easier than any of these. I can sense the anticipation you may be experiencing just wondering what sick, twisted, or degrading thing we have come up with, but calm down, it is not that exciting. Ok now that you have lowered your expectations I can tell you what it is. One dollar, yup that’s it, you have to pay “the cup” one dollar. What is the cup? Well it is just that, a cup, and if you screw something up you owe a buck in the cup. And then we decide as a group what the money will be spent on, the original idea was that we would wait until there is enough money to buy lunch but that never happened, we could never wait that long. It usually went toward popsicles or drinks at 7-11. After the money is put in the cup it is your responsibility to fix the mistake to the best of your ability and then your sins are forgiven.
I can’t remember why it started but it has been around since before Jeremy and Nate came to work here. It has come in and out of fashion throughout the years, sometimes we have been really strict with it and other times we have forgotten it all together and just settled with plain old ridicule. You might be sitting there reading this thinking, one dollar, how is that supposed to teach anyone anything? Well you see the cup has been here through many different employees and for some of the previous employees this was worse than physical torture. We have had some pretty cheap people come through here and for them this worked beautifully, it brought great joy watching them pry open their wallets and seeing the dust fly out as it opened, and then the pain on their face as they put their hard earned dollar into the cup. It was a lot more fun than even hitting them with sticks and with some people it would have been really fun to hit them with a stick. Currently the cup is back into action. I think there is a few dollars in it, there probably should be a lot more but like I said sometimes ridicule is just more fun. So if you make a mistake and feel the need to pay for it, feel free to put a buck in the cup. It probably won’t change the consequences of your mistake but it might just make you feel better and in our eyes your sins are forgiven. Remember though this is for honest mistakes only, murder, theft, adultery, and all those other commandments, you are going to have to take up with the man upstairs, or at least the law. Now don’t get me wrong we will take anyone’s money but we will not be held responsible for your actions, sinner.

Shop Quotes

Here in the shop we have developed a unique way of communicating. It began with different people using funny movie quotes and as evolved into our own list of what we call shop quotes. Here is a list of a few, although most have invented from particular experiences, you should still get the idea.

Go to Hell Nate!
Were you home schooled?
It’s not your baby, but you can love it like it is.
Can I have the day off to visit my brother in jail?
Nate, Earmuffs!
Measure my fingers
I’m the only one that does anything around here.
Stop touching my nipples!
Medic!
Why is my tape measure in the freezer?
Put your pants back on.
Don’t Look at this Nate.
I don’t care if they hurt. Get your hands out of your pants.
Where’s Jeremy?
He's just a Boy.

Something We Would Like to Try.

Chad's Can

We each have our own "chores" that we take care of at the shop. You see we are not a large company that can afford to have sexy women come in and clean the place for us. We have to take care of it ourselves. Each week, which really means about once a month, we decide who will do which chore. To decide this we use very scientific and complex algorithms. Okay, who am I kidding, we don't even know what algorithms are. We either draw straws, pick a chore out of a hat, the person with most seniority chooses first, or whatever the Ouija board tells us to do. There are four different chores that we take care of in the shop. They are cleaning the shop bathroom, cleaning the kitchen/conference room/Chad's office/break room (yes it is all the same room), cleaning the office bathroom, and cleaning the staging area. The most desirable job is cleaning the office bathroom because no one really uses it so it doesn't get very grimy. The least desirable job is cleaning the shop bathroom. That bathroom gets used quite a bit. In a usual day Blake alone will use that bathroom at least five times. Have I mentioned that Blake is gay? What is interesting about cleaning the multi-purpose room is that random things pile up there each month. You may find a hinge or two lying around, scraps of wood, woodworking magazines, and of course what every shop full of guys needs - the monthly subscription to Maxim magazine. When we clean that room, there is a corner of the room we don't clean; that would be Chad's corner of paradise. We don't want to mess up his feng shui. His corner has a certain aura about it, of course another word for it could be cluttered. To the untrained eye, it looks like a messy pile of papers and maybe a Diet Coke here and there sitting next to the half full 7-11 Big Gulp. Now I must interject here, Chad is a quirky fellow. How can you not like cooked apples and not be quirky? There is a special place in Chad's corner that becomes a work of art as the month progresses. That would be Chad's can. No, we are not talking about his derriere; I am talking about his trash can. His trash can is one of those small trash cans that most of you are sitting next to right this minute in your offices. As the month progresses the trash begins to pile up in his can. A normal person might empty the garbage once it is full; not Chad. Chad seems to derive enjoyment by seeing how tall he can get the trash without it toppling over. He has perfected it to an art form. Most people wouldn't be able to pull off the amazing balancing acts that Chad performs each month with his trash can. Sometimes we secretly add trash to his "masterpiece" to see if he notices that something is amiss. In conclusion Chad's can has become his red Swingline stapler; something he cannot live without, it has become his bosom buddy and will forever be.